There's a special kind of fool who gets up at 3:00 in the morning to go for a cycle ride, especially if it involves a two-hour car journey and another two on a ferry. It sort of defeats the point of a sportive when you have to drive for longer than you cycle, yet hundreds of us again converged on Dover for this year's Wiggle French Resistance Sportive.
The French Resistance is one of the most popular events in the Wiggle sportive series run by UK Cycling Events, and like the similar French Revolution event it regularly sells out within weeks. I rode the 2013 edition and the organisation this year was even better, if that were possible. It's always a thrill to be escorted through the streets in a rolling roadblock and waved onto the ferry before everyone else.
After a briefing on the ferry - along with a complimentary coffee and croissant - the sportive starts from the ferry port in Calais with a choice of two courses (75 miles Epic or 64 miles Standard). Both routes loop through the National Park 'Parc Naturel Regional Des Caps et Marsia D'Opale' before returning to the ferry for the crossing home.
There are some challenging hills on the route, but better prepared than we were last year, my ride mate Nick and me were confident of having a great, albeit challenging day. We didn't reckon, however, with northern France's coastal winds, or that the countryside around Calais felt like a localised earthquake had buckled it up since last September.
The alarm bells should have rung in my head as we sped along the road out of Calais to Sangatte, effortlessly maintaining a steady 30kmh. As soon as we turned inland and doubled back, climbing up towards where the Channel Tunnel emerges on its way towards Paris, the wind started to push us in the face.
Almost an hour's climbing awaited, with short periods of speedy downhill, but by the first feed station at around 30 kilometres, I knew the remaining 70 would be more than enough for me, and I bailed out onto the Standard route.
Nick was feeling fresh and fancied the extra 20km of the Epic. I felt like a fraud and a failure as I trundled along, barely maintaining my normal average of 25kmh. Soon after, however, the relentless climbing eased and gave way to more rolling and picturesque Gallic scenery.
Feeling better and beginning to enjoy the day, I rolled out of the second feed station full of flapjack and enthusiasm. I wasn't even concerned about the number of other cyclists passing me by. I knew there was a severe test waiting in the last 10km and I was saving myself for that. Sadly, though, the effort of the first two hours had sapped my reserves and despite loading my weary system with endless sugary gloop, my legs demanded frequent flicks of my left hand to drop off the big ring for some granny-based trundling as soon as the road moved off the horizontal.
The closer I got back to the coast, the more the prospect of a headwind plagued my thoughts. Even increasing my iPod from background noise to white noise didn't push the dread from my mind. The effect of turning right into the fret near Hardinghen was pretty much like putting the bike on a turbo trainer and winding the back brake on until the pads bit, then setting up ten hairdryers to blow in your face. Past Wissant, the road climbs steadily up the Cap Blanc Nez, with a perfect 4km view of the summit the other side of Escales, if you didn't feel disheartened enough already.
Last year the coast breeze pushed us up the 'White Nose' and all the way along the Pas-de-Calais coastal road through Sangatte to the harbour. Not this time, though. Even a gel-toting, cowbell-clanging marshall halfway up the hill could distract me from the realisation that I would have to pedal to stop being pushed westwards, away from the ferry and the 5pm deadline.
As if my wind-blocking bulk wasn't bad enough, I haven't seen so many zebra crossings outside of wildlife films of the Serengeti, each one replete with a dithering pedestrian loitering nearby, only to wave me through once I'd shaved off precious momentum. I apologise to the last two locals I swerved past, but I doubt I was going fast enough to cause any injury.
Rolling across the finish line I noticed Nick hadn't beaten me back (a small victory), but when he eventually arrived 45 minutes later, I felt less awful about taking the 'easy' option as he relayed tales of dying on his arse during the last hour of his ride, just as I had. We had just enough time to reclip and head for the next ferry, our return crossing going as smoothly as trip from Blighty.
For all the challenges of the fickle French wind I wholeheartedly recommend the French Resistance. It was a fabulous day once more, although many times during the ride (and after) I considered chucking the bike in a skip bin and burning my padded shorts. It was one of the hardest sportives I've ever done, and I felt worse than the first time I did the Wiggle Ups and Downs. I have every intention of signing myself up next year - hopefully the wind will have changed and my face will have stopped grimacing by then.
The 2015 Wiggle French Resistance is on 13 September 2015. Places are still available priced £70, or £110 including event jersey: www.ukcyclingevents.co.uk
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