Lou Lusardi has an Ordnance Survey map, and he's not afraid to use it. "There are four double arrow climbs on the Gower Peninsula," he announces, waving the map in our faces, "and you'll be doing three of them today..."
It's Monday morning, and I'm sitting in full kit in the lobby of the Swansea Marriott along with a small knot of press and test riders. We've been brought here by Human Race, organisers of the Dragon Ride sportive, to preview their new three-day sportive for 2015, The Dragon Tour. Lou has designed the route, and judging by his pre-ride briefing it's a task he has taken to with relish.
I say relish, maybe a better word would be sadism. Some people just shouldn't be entrusted with maps. It turns out the "double arrows" Lou's threatening us with are the chevrons used by Ordnance Survey to indicate a gradient steeper than 20%. That's 1 in 5, by my reckoning. Pretty tough going in a car, never mind a bike. But, as we soon discover, Lou regards anything less as a mere blip.
Dragon Tour Stage 1
We clack out of the lobby, saddle up and spin out of Swansea headed west for The Mumbles to see what this new Dragon Tour is all about. The first few miles hug the coastline of Swansea Bay, where white-crested waves roll into deserted beaches. Above us sulky skies promise a downpour at any moment, but even on a grey day the scenery in this part of Wales is hard to beat.
Passing Mumble Pier we turn right onto the first climb of the day, Plunch Lane. It's a steep and comically narrow little road with the gradient touching 20% near the bottom; but for the most part it's single figures, and fresh legs make short work of it. Was that one of Lou's beasts? We're left guessing as we press on, following Lou as he leads the way in his jeep.
The template is set, and as the morning wears on a game develops: "guess the brute", as we try to work out which of the peninsula's endless supply of short, punchy climbs qualify as Lou's double-arrow monsters. When the novelty of that pales, we progress to a round of cycling charades - impersonating the climbing faces/techniques of pros like Voeckler, Froome and err, Cavendish. You had to be there I guess - but so far it's all fun and games, as we swap places in the bunch and make our acquaintances.
It's easy riding, with rolling hills and every so often around a corner, a surprise view across the Irish Sea. Seems too good to last, and sure enough it doesn't. After 42km we stop for a roadside lunch break in Llangennith, tucking into a generous spread of sandwiches, pork pies and other goodies from the back of the Human Race support van. As we set off again afterwards the group somehow splits in two. Four of us take a left turn onto Kyfts Lane, a deserted road through a windswept bogland dotted with sheep, then pull up to wait for the others. It soon becomes clear they aren't coming after us, and we're left with a dilemma. Do we press on, or turn back and try to find them?
Just as we're drawing straws for who to eat first, Lou pulls up and rolls down the driver's window. Onwards, he urges, muttering something about herding cats - and just a mile or so down the road we are heartened by the appearance of an inviting looking pub. But is it open? Richard Hallett of Sportif magazine investigates... and soon all four of us are sitting around a table by a sputtering wood burner while Lou gets in the coffees.
Nursing our hot drinks a warm glow of smugness pervades - until we realise that while the lost group are likely heading for the hotel and hot showers, Lou has further plans for us. There are still two of his three climbs to go...
Back out onto the mizzle, and in our damp kit we've lost a bit of joie de vivre. Still, a bracing climb will put a smile back on our faces - right?
The first arrives on the road between Llanrhidian and Llanmorlais. Lou directs us off the B4295 and up what Strava calls the Rhallt. I'm not sure of the proper name for the road, but between us we come up with a few choice suggestions as we strain up it. The first 700m are the worst, with the road hitting at least 20% before easing off a bit. The youngest of our reduced party, Jack from Cycling Weekly, vanishes around the corner while the three of us pant after him in grim pursuit.
As if by magic the Lou-mobile reappears at the top and he instructs us where to find his next treat. It involves a little detour to the northern side of the Gower and the town of Pen Clawdd. Here we're sent up Park road. It looks and sounds innocuous enough, another deserted lane at the edge of a quiet suburb, but don't be fooled - it masks a killer climb. Jack again volunteers to be our canary in the coalmine. As he rounds the first corner, already out of the saddle, we hear him sing back, "It's worse than the last one..."
Jack if this cycling lark doesn't work out, there's always motivational speaking...
He is right though, it is worse. I pull at my right shifter, hoping against all sane expectation for an extra gear I might've missed before...nothing doing. We climb slowly up the dank, dark lane, silent but for the dripping of rain from trees onto the road. Water torture. If it wasn't for the others and their judging eyes, I would be off my bike and pushing up this hill. It's stupidly steep, 35% at the midway point, Strava reckons. But I can't let Sportif magazine see me walking, I have some pride.
I reach the top in 4:35, almost half a minute behind Jack, and gurning like a chimp chewing a lemon. OK Lou, we've done your three climbs - now where's our three wishes?
But Lou, like an evil genie in a Land Rover, has already vanished down the road and we set off in hot - or rather cold and damp - pursuit back to the hotel.
By the time we finally trail back into Swansea my Garmin says 82km and darkness has fallen. A crosswind has picked up, and I'm relieved for the evening rush hour traffic that allows me the chance to catch up with my three colleagues at the lights.
The Dragon Tour explained
At dinner that evening Human Race's CEO Nick Rusling properly introduces the new Dragon Tour. It will be a three-day event held over a long weekend in June 2015. A select bunch of 500 riders will tackle two 100km stages on Friday and Saturday, before joining 6000 riders for the Dragon Ride itself on the Sunday. Depending on which option you choose the total distance of these three rides could top 500km, making The Dragon Tour among the most fearsome cycling challenges on UK soil.
The extra stages take in some spectacular roads that have never been included in the Dragon Ride - in some cases because they are too steep and/or narrow to accommodate the weight of numbers that turn out for the Dragon Ride each year. The Dragon Ride is one of the UK's most popular sportives - and I can see why, having ridden it myself this year. But as I listen, legs still aching from the day's riding, I get the sense that the Tour is essentially a "director's cut" of the Dragon Ride - an extended trilogy, in which Lou and Human Race finally get to realise their grand vision in all its glory. Still, glory can be quite tiring on the legs. I finish my wine and limp up the stairs to bed.
Stage 2: The Wetness
The next day we set out again, this time to sample the second stage which will lead riders north of Swansea to the pleasant-sounding Black Mountain. Yesterday's damp has graduated to full on rain today, and Lou's broom wagon leads us along a narrow country lane littered with debris and awash with rainwater. We're soon well and truly soaked, and after two hours Nick - who is riding along again today, in bib shorts no less - pulls alongside us. "Guys," he asks, water streaming down his face, "How much do you want to ride this, out of 10?"
I'm torn. Conditions are abysmal - reminiscent of the torrential downpour at this year's RideLondon sportive - but part of me is perversely enjoying the ride. Lou has spared us the chevron monsters in favour of some steadier climbs and long flat stretches that we're able to spray along at high speed over the rain-washed roads.
We pull over outside another pub - this time closed - to debate. "I've only just met you," Oliver says to Lou, "but my impression is you're a madman. So if you're saying it's too wet to go on, that worries me..."
And so, with the rain worsening and punctures holding us up, we decide as a group to cut the ride short and return to base. Not retracing the way we came though, oh no...Lou has found a route that means we get to go up a mountain.
"Turn left here and follow the road up" he shouts from his warm, dry jeep on the outskirts of Ammanford. "I'll see you at the top", and with that he's gone before we can argue. We dutifully point our bikes in the direction he's pointed and set off...
Thirty minutes and 5km of relentless uphill grinding later, the group - now smashed into pieces - wobbles one by one to a halt at the Human Race van, parked among the wind turbines on the barren summit of Betws Mountain. Food, drinks and energy gels are produced and I'm soon rummaging through the carrier bags like a raccoon in a skip. At almost 400m it's the highest point of the ride, and the good news is it's downhill from here for the 20km back to the hotel. Almost, that is...you can always rely on Lou to throw in an extra hill.
Back at the hotel it's hot showers, coffees and lunch before we go our separate ways. Despite the weather it's been a fantastic couple of days' riding, and a tantalising glimpse of what awaits when the first Dragon Tour rolls around in June.
The southwest corner of Wales is a beautiful part of the world, and now it has the event it deserves. Lou and Human Race have taken a bunch of maps, unrivalled knowledge of local roads, and years of organising epic bike rides, and conjured a fantastical beast of a ride out of the South Wales countryside.
I've just one question: why include only three of the four double chevron climbs? I'm too busy recovering to ask - but knowing Lou, between now and June he will find a way to include the final climb. Someone really needs to take the map off that man...
The first three-day Dragon Tour sportive takes place from Friday 5 - Sunday 7 June 2015. Riders will tackle two contrasting routes, the first day winding through the Gower Peninsula, the second climbing up into the western side of the Brecon Beacons, before completing their Tour experience by choosing one of the four distances of the Wiggle Dragon Ride.
A range of packages are available starting at £199, with VIP options including meals, hotel accommodation in Swansea and a guest speaker on the eve of the Dragon Ride, Tour de France winner Stephen Roche. For more information and to sign up, visit the Human Race website at www.humanrace.co.uk.
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