Last night saw the first episode of Tour de Celeb, Channel 5's new reality TV show in which a bunch of celebrities are given just eight weeks to train for one of Europe's toughest sportives, l'Etape du Tour.
As reality TV goes, it sounds a tempting proposition. But will the concept prove a winning formula that tempts the nation onto two wheels, or is it just another case of (literally) car-crash TV? We tuned in for the first episode to find out.
The dial is set to 'epic' from the moment the opening montage kicks in: shots of Froome in yellow alternate with aerial views of the Etape and the celebrity participants offering choice soundbites and falling off their bikes, all set to a stirring Apprentice-esque backing track.
If only Sir Dave was offering a place on Team Sky for one lucky contestant... but never mind that, who the hell are these celebrities?
The names trip vaguely off the tongue: from the sporting world we have former cricketer Darren Gough, winter Olympics star Amy Williams and rugby-playing man Austin Healey. From the murky underworld of reality TV we have TOWIE's Lucy Mecklenburgh and Hugo Taylor from Made in Chelsea, then there's West End dancer Louie Spence, model Jodie Kidd, and Angellica Bell who might be a TV presenter.
The cast's cycling credentials are, much like their claims to celebrity, on the slim side; you could fit their combined palmares on the back of a tube repair patch. "My last bike had Barbie stickers on and pink tassels on the handlebars" offers Lucy, while Louie apparently hasn't ridden a bike for 38 years.
What could possibly go wrong?
"There's a good chance you'll get seriously hurt or die," intones Healey, one minute and 15 seconds into the show. "That's not me just saying it for TV," he says, just for TV, "that is fact."
Alrighty then, so it's going to be like that is it?
Overseeing this dunces' dance with death are three expert coaches: former pro Rob Hayles, who gets everywhere these days, Paralympics phenomenon Dame Sarah Storey, and sports scientist Asker Jeukendrup.
The contenders will spend at least 25 hours in the saddle each week as part of their training. It's a steep learning curve for them all. Well, all except Austin Healey: an experienced and strong cyclist, he's clearly well able for the challenge. Is that really fair? Presumably he's only been included as a failsafe, so that when the other participants "get seriously hurt or die", the film crew will still have at least one celebrity to film come the Etape.
On that cheery note, let the training commence! The action begins at the Lee Valley Velodrome, but the riders don't so much as set foot on the track - instead, they're put through some hurt on a 20-minute functional threshold power (FTP) test.
They all find the test tough - quelle surprise - but poor Angellica is picked out as being the weakest of the bunch. The action, if that's the right word for eight people making bad sex faces on a turbo trainer, is enlivened with more footage of the contestants introducing themselves. So we learn that Jodie Kidd is a reformed petrolhead: "I never thought I would cross over to the dark side of cycling, but here I am, completely obsessed with the sport", while Healey too has caught the bug: "I've turned into a cycling nerd. I used to be quite interesting, honestly - and now look at me. I just talk about cycling."
What's wrong with that?
Anyway, not all of the contestants are converts; "Cycling is dangerous" frets Lucy, while Louie consoles himself about the challenge ahead by noting "at least there's boys in lycra."
It's already clear that Louie "I want my bum to smile again" Spence is going to be the star/villain of this show. With his pouting, whinging, pantomime persona he puts the 'camp' in Campagnolo - and if he completes the Etape without at least one major hissy I'll eat my chapeau.
Next up the group are introduced to cleats for a test lap of the Lee Valley circuit. Now, getting the hang of clip-in pedals can be tricky for anyone, so ixnay on the schadenfreude, eh? The group do reasonably well, there are a couple of tumbles but these aren't all the riders' fault. Rob Hayles' advice to Angellica on how to dismount with cleats verges on criminally negligent.
"Put on the brakes and slide off the front of the saddle" he instructs. With her feet still clipped in, Angellica stops the bike and of course falls straight off onto the tarmac.
What were you thinking, Hayles? A tearful and traumatised Angellica is taken to the medic, who examines her blatantly uninjured hands with polite sympathy.
The next day the group are split into two - athletes vs 'celebs'. The slebs are sent on a team bonding session which turns out to be a Tough Mudder style assault course. Pretty sure that's how Team Sky prepare for the Tour de France, and it's definitely not an excuse to catch some gratuitous shots of the girls rolling in mud.
Meanwhile the ego-driven, pathologically competitive ex-athletes have inexplicably been excused from the team-building camp; instead, they're installed in a luxury spa, albeit one which appears to have suffered from seasonal flooding. Their training bikes are waist-deep in water but they're pedalling away slowly as if they haven't noticed.
"Yeah it's been really tough for us today," Healey deadpans. "I've had to ride a bike in a pool and now I've got to go in a jacuzzi and drink a pina colada. They don't know how lucky they are, that group out there. I just wish I was with them."
To be fair, the assault course does look a laugh. Louie, predictably, is belle of the ball, striking pole dancing poses at the foot of obstacles and split-rolling across a mud pit in his increasingly soiled fluoro leopard-print leggings.
But it's not all fun and games; disaster strikes on the final obstacle, when Jodie falls from some sort of monkeybars rig into a pool of raw sewage and damages a fetlock. As she's escorted out of sight by two medics we're half expecting the muffled sound of a single gunshot - and in fact, the injury turns out to be serious enough to threaten her Etape. Is her dream over already?
Meanwhile on a training ride in Essex, Lucy falls off her bike for no apparent reason and almost has her head taken off by a passing car. "It's made me realise you have to concentrate" she reveals.
OK, so it's easy to mock. But anyone who cycles regularly on busy roads will remember a time they learned - or were reminded of - this lesson.
And now back to the mocking. Next up for the team is a sportive to get some miles in the legs. The event chosen is the Bostin' Peaks Sportive, a relatively gentle introduction at 100km (63 miles) in length with just under 1000m of climbing.
"If they don't finish, they're going to have to take a long hard look at themselves and decide if they're fit enough to take on l'Etape du Tour" says a stern Storey, barely suppressing a smirk.
On the start line there are some nerves about group cycling from Lucy - "Don't come close to me!" - while Angellica has decided to abandon her cleats and is riding in a pair of trainers. Storey does not approve. But this is all your fault Rob.
Predictably the group splits immediately, Healey steaming off at top speed with Amy and Darren in tow, leaving the celebs struggling in the rear. "I like being competitive," notes Healey unnecessarily afterwards. "But if they beat me, great. Because it'll be a big achievement if they do. A f*cking massive achievement to be perfectly honest."
OK Austin, you the man. But err...it's not a competition?
Anyway, back to the sportive and Louie has somehow deviated from the course after riding through a river. His 8-mile detour provides the show with a classic sportive moment - "I'm just following some other people on bikes and hoping for the best" - followed by a petulant bike toss that Wiggo would be proud of. I told you he'd have a hissy.
At the feed station, special snowflake Hugo is getting a head massage - something to do with him having to crane what he calls his "giraffe neck".
"He's such a pampered prince" Lucy observes. She's not wrong. At least he's taken his designer sunglasses off for a few minutes.
We won't spoil the rest of the sportive drama: suffice to say that cows are involved, and not everyone makes it back to base on a bicycle. Austin of course does complete the job, finishing in just over 4 hours, but the highlight is an emotional Angellica's sense of achievement when she rolls over the finish line after some 8 hours in the saddle. For someone who'd barely ridden a bike just a couple of weeks previously, it's an impressive feat. Who knows, it might even inspire viewers to give cycling a go.
Verdict? Tour de Celeb is worth a look if you're into cycling. If you've ridden the Etape or are considering taking on a major sportive challenge, the training aspects make entertaining if not hugely informative viewing. But for every scene that has you nodding in recognition, there'll be another that has you shaking your head in despair.
Will Tour de Celeb encourage non-cyclists to get on a bike? That's open to debate: certainly the footage of Lucy's tumbles and her tearful pieces to camera risk exaggerating the danger and drama of what can and should be an enjoyable, healthy and relatively low-risk activity.
That's telly for you though. Let's focus on lovely Angellica's progress instead. We'll be tuning into episode 2; it'll be massive if she beats Austin Healey up Box Hill. F*cking massive.
Tour de Celeb airs on Mondays on Channel 5. You can catch up on episodes online at www.my5.tv/tour-de-celeb.
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